Finding the Light in the Black
by emoTWiLiGHT
Summary: It's haunted her for many years. Now she's finally going to find out what it is. But is she ready for what will happen next?
1. Dream

**Well, I got a new Cd yesterday and a song's chorus caught my attention. It seemed very New Moon-y and then I got an idea today. So here it is.**

**The song is Summer of Darkness by Demon Hunter. I do not own it. (But you really should listen to it!! The story is better if you know the tune of the chorus)**

**I do not own twilight.**

She was in the forest, walking hurriedly to her destination. A squirrel flitted past her. She jumped as it went past, its tail hitting the leaves was the only sound in the forest and it surprised her. She turned to watch it run past her. Watching the small animal run seemed to mean something, but she couldn't figure out what. She sighed and turned back around. The scenery had changed. She was still in the forest, but now she didn't know where she was.

She was lost.

She walked forward, dragging her feet and calling out his name. She couldn't hear herself, but she knew she was screaming. She cried out his name again before sinking onto the ground and crying.

A pair of golden eyes appeared above the trees. She heard the sound of music and a voice singing.

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

Bella awoke with a start. This was not the first time those words had been sung in her dreams. It was always the same. Sometimes her dream changed, but it always ended with a pair of golden eyes and that song.

Bella shook her head to clear it. She didn't know why all of her dreams ended that way. It wasn't even a full song. She had searched the lyrics on the internet, but there was no song with those words. But whenever she heard the song in her dreams, it had music and everything. It was sort of creepy.

The voice was velvet and musical, but it was gruff to go along with the music.

Bella shrugged it aside as she got out of bed. She had a lot of work to do and she couldn't stop to ponder the music that haunted her.

**Lol, this was actually supposed to be shorter. Like a teaser chapter to introduce the story. Aah I have so many ideas! I can't write them all!!**

**Please review!!**


	2. Burning

**I do not own twilight or the song, Summer of Darkness. The song belongs to Demon Hunter, twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Please don't kill me!! It's essential to the story!!**

I got dressed and went downstairs. It smelled like breakfast had already been made. I walked into the kitchen.

"Hey. Did you make breakfast?"

"Yes. Did you sleep well?" He turned around. I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

"Sure, sure." I'd never told him about my dreams, and I never wanted to.

Just then, I eyed what was in the pan on the stove.

"Chocolate chip pancakes?" My mood brightened.

"Yep." Jacob smirked, knowing how much I loved them.

"Thanks! What's the occasion?"

"Occasion? Can't I just feel like making breakfast for you?"

"I guess, but I would have been fine with cereal."

"You eat cereal everyday," Jacob argued.

"I like cereal." He made it sound like it was a bad thing that I ate cereal.

Jacob paused and sighed.

"Do you want cereal?" I could hear the hint of hurt in his voice.

"No, I love that you made pancakes for me," I smiled brightly at him.

He smiled back before returning to the stove.

"Crap!" He yelled. His sudden outburst surprised me and I jumped. I looked down. The pancakes were on fire and the pan was smoking.

Jacob was dancing around the kitchen, fanning the smoke.

"Crap, crap, crap! Ah, fire extinguisher? Fire, ah dang it! Crap, crap, crap!"

While he was jumping around frantically, I'd found the fire extinguisher. I pointed it at the stove. Jacob calmed down as soon as he saw that the fire was out." We stood there for a minute, staring at the stove.

I was the first to move. I began to make a bowl of cereal.

"No, Bella. I tried to make you pancakes, but I will succed this time. Let me make more," Jacob started to move over to the stove but I wrapped my arms around him and held him where he was.

"It's ok, I'll eat cereal." I smiled at him.

"You eat cereal all the time, honey." He looked down at me. I shrugged.

"Well, I like it, so..." I smiled and gave him a brief kiss before setting up a bowl of cereal.

"I'm sorry for catching your breakfast on fire." Jacob sounded so heartbroken, like a poor puppy who had done something wrong and was fearing punishment. Jacob used this voice on me to make me feel sympathetic. It was practically the only way he could get what he wanted, but I wasn't falling for it this time. I was hungry.

"I told you not to attempt cooking." I smiled as I grabbed the milk.

Jacob stood in the corner of the kitchen, watching my every move. Even when my back was turned, I could tell when he was looking at me. Probably because it happened so often. It used to make me self-conscious, but I've learned to expect it from him.

I set my bowl on the table and proceeded to eat. Jacob was still leaning against the counter, watching me. I looked up at him. He smiled. I blushed and looked back down at my cereal.

I heard Jacob move. Keeping my head down, I looked through my hair as we walked towards the table. He sat down next to me, but I pretended not to notice. As I was about to take a bite of my cereal, he spoke.

"Bella." His voice was deep and husky. I dropped my spoon.

Jacob laughed and leaned in to kiss me.

Then his phone rang.

He groaned and answered it. I resumed eating my breakfast, trying to quiet my heart. I was in love with Jacob. Though a part of my heart never felt the same. But I wasn't allowed to think about that.

The Cullens had never come back. I had never expected them to, though I wanted them to. After my cliff-diving incident, Jacob took me home and we kissed. That's how it all started. My heart exploded with joy, knowing that I could move on happily.

I was happy with Jacob. He was my best friend, and the only person who stayed with me when I was falling apart. Who knows what would've happened without him. I didn't like to think about it.

Even though I loved Jacob, a part of me knew that it wasn't completely true, but I could not afford to think about it. Jacob didn't deserve to see me trying to hold myself together again. So I didn't think about him. Because I was happy with my new life, even if I missed the one I had.

When Jacob proposed, I was hesitant. Very very hesitant. Marriage was never on my to-do list. It was actually one big, fat to-don't. But when I thought about it, it made sense. I could only see myself with one other person besides Jacob, and he wasn't coming back. And hurting Jacob was always hard for me, I didn't want to see him in pain. When I accepted, he smiled so bright and huge that his face could have just fallen off.

When I looked at him now, sometimes I could see his disbelief, but I mostly saw how happy it was. And it made me happy.

"Yeah. Okay. See you." Jacob closed the phone. I looked up at him expectantly.

"I'm sorry. Work called. They need me now." He looked at me apologetically. I smiled weakly.

"It's ok. I'll be here. Or I might need to get groceries, I'm not sure."

"I'll make you chocolate chip panacakes when I get back. And I won't burn them this time," he kissed my forehead. And he was gone.

I checked the kitchen, we didn't need any groceries. And there was no laundry to be done. There was nothing to do.

The lines in the song repeated in my head.

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do.

**Oh yeah, that's a cliffie. I went there!**

**Please don't hate me if you don't like the pairing. It's needed for the story. I am sorry!**

**K so I know the purpose of this story, but I don't know where I'm going or how I'll get there. Lol.**

_A big thanks to my beta, Obsessed.with.writing!! Thank you so much. You rock the rubberbands of my notebook, because yes I am stupid enough to put rubberbands on my notebook and accidentally fling my pen across the table during driving school. Whee!_


	3. Watching

**Sorry it's been so long since I've written! I've been really busy, I graduated on July 6****th****!! Yay me! Anyway, I probably won't be online this weekend, so I'm writing now. (By the way, this will be my VERY FIRST CHAPTER that I've written on my LEXY NEW LAPTOP!! So yay me!)**

**Please review, and remember- I do not own twilight and I do not own 'Summer of Darkness' Ok? Ok.**

I needed to write the rest of the song.

Sure, it sounded complicated, but how difficult could it be? I already had the words to the chorus, or at least I thought it was the chorus, and I had a tune in my head too. So what could possibly be hard about it? I'd just have to replay the music in my mind and write down words that fit with the tune and made sense. Not hard at all.

I walked up to my room, humming the tune as I went. Before I got to my desk, words popped into my head. I scrambled around to find paper and a pen. It took me awhile to find what I needed, but I did.

I sat down to wrote the words that had popped into my brain when I heard a doorbell.

"Darn it," I muttered to myself as I went downstairs to answer the door.

It was probably Rebecca and her step-children, Johnny and Jolinar. They were twins, teenaged twins. Jacob and I babysat them whenever Rebecca and her husband were unavailable.

""Hi, Bella. I'm sorry to come without calling first-" I cut her off.

"No, it's okay. You know Johnny and Jolinar are welcome here anytime."

"Thanks, Bella. I really appreciate it," she smiled.

"No problem, really."

"Okay. Now, are you two going to behave?"

"Sure, sure," the twins replied together before pushing past the door. They raced to the television, where they were sure to start fighting over the remote.

Rebecca rolled her eyes.

"Thank you again, Bella. And I'm sorry to drop them off like this."

"It's fine, really. They're great kids." I smiled.

"I'm glad _you_ think so," Rebecca replied doubtfully.

I smiled politely. She knew that her husband had twins when she married him, so I didn't like that she seemed to complain about them all the time.

But I truly did love watching them. I'd always liked children, for the most part anyway. I definitely wasn't ready to have children of my own, but temporary parenting was fun.

I walked into the living room where the twins were arguing over what show to watch.

"Be nice, ok? You guys don't have any homework to do, right?"

"Bella, it's summer! Jeez." Johnny rolled his eyes.

"Don't be such a jerk, Johnny! Gosh," Jolinar rolled her eyes right back at her brother before turning to me with a smile. "No, we don't."

I smiled back at her. "Ok. Don't kill each other over what channel to watch."

"We won't."

"Mm-hmm," I replied doubtfully as I walked into the kitchen.

I grabbed paper and a pen so I could resume writing the song, but the words had escaped my brain.

"Frak," I muttered. Oh, well. I'd write it another time.

Soon, the twins were in the kitchen, asking for lunch.

After preparing turkey sandwiches for us, I went with them to watch tv in the living room.

Once we had watched a couple hours of mindless sitcoms, I couldn't take it anymore. I excused myself to go do laundry, even though there was no laundry to be done. Instead, I tried to write some lyrics again.

I sat at my desk for twenty minutes with an empty brain before I realised that it might help if I wrote down what already existed.

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you_

It was an amazing section of the song. The way the tune went with the words to inspire emotion, and the voice… It just awed me on so many levels.

I reread the existing lyrics and heard them being sung in my head. I did it over and over again, I just couldn't stop. They were addicting. The song was addicting. I knew that there was hidden meaning and memories in the song, but I couldn't think about it.

By the time I had remembered that I was supposed to be writing the rest of the song, Jacob was downstairs announcing that he was home.

I quickly scrunched up the paper and threw it in the trashcan before racing downstairs to greet Jacob. I ran down the stairs and threw myself into his waiting arms. It was our traditional greeting, and it always brought a smile to his face.

Today, he looked happier than ever. As soon as he caught me in his arms, he started heading back up the steps that I had just ran down, kissing my neck as he walked.

I giggled.

"The twins are here," I protested.

He stopped kissing me and processed my words before groaning.

"Really? She didn't call me…"

"Yeah, she dropped them off this morning." Anger flashed in Jacob's eyes.

"Hey, it's ok. I told her it was alright. You know I don't mind watching them."

"I know. But I still think it would be nice of her to ask first, instead of expecting everyone to do what she needs them to do all the time." Jacob's hands started to shake. He was still holding me, I noted vaguely.

"Jake, she's going through a hard time right now. The least we could do is help." I was trying to calm him down and convince him that I really didn't mind watching the twins.

"The least _she_ could do is ask for our bloody help, instead of assuming…" Jacob stopped speaking, attempting to calm himself down.

He set me on the step and walked over to the kitchen. He sat down and closed his eyes. Soon, he stopped shaking. I walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He looked up. His eyes were filled with remorse. He hated being close to losing control around me. I'd heard him and Sam talking once, Jacob sometimes doubted if he was right for me.

"It's ok, Jake." I sat on his lap and wrapped my arms around him, leaning my head on his shoulder. He sighed and placed his head on mine, rubbing circles in my back.

I heard a giggle. I looked up. Johnny and Jolinar were standing in the kitchen. I smiled and let go of Jacob.

"We're hungry, but if you two want to go make your own kids…" Jolinar laughed.

I blushed. Jacob laughed. I stood up and sat down in my own chair, still blushing.

"Well, I'll be making dinner then," Jacob stood up.

I caught his arm.

"Jake, you made breakfast."

"Yeah, a breakfast that you didn't get to eat, a breakfast that I told you I would make for dinner. Besides, I'm pretty sure you made lunch for them," he raised an eyebrow.

I sighed in defeat.

"Ok then. It's settled. I'm making chocolate chip pancakes."

"Whoo!" Johnny and Jolinar screamed together before running back into the living room.

When the pancakes were done, I called the twins in to eat.

"Yes! Thanks, Jacob!" Johnny yelled as he ran into the kitchen. He threw himself down at the table and began scarfing the food. Jacob laughed.

"Hey, save some for your sister." Jolinar entered the kitchen as the words left my mouth.

"Yeah, rat-brain." She sat down at the table and yanked some pancakes off of her brother's plate.

"Hey! I need those! I'm a growing boy! And you don't need to grow any more."

"Take that back! Bella! Johnny just insulted me!" Jacob rolled his eyes.

"Johnny, be nice to your sister. And share that food." Rebecca's husband wasn't a werewolf, so we were pretty sure they didn't have the gene, but they sure ate like they did.

"But you're always complaining about your friends being skinnier than you, Jolie. So you need a diet, and I need food!

"Shut UP, Jonathan! I do not complain about that! And don't call me Jolie!"

"Don't call me Jonathan! It's not even my name!"

"Fine, I'll call you Stupid."

"No you won't, moron."

"Stupid."

"Moron."

"Imbecile."

"Insectide."

"Do you even know what that means?" Jolinar asked.

Johnny paused. "No."

Jolinar laughed and grabbed a few pancakes from his plate as she ran to answer the doorbell that had just rung.

"Hey!" Johnny looked down at his plate. For a minute, I thought he was going to complain, but then he shrugged as he grabbed the rest of dinner and joined his sister at the door.

Rebecca was there to pick them up.

"Thank you so much, Bella! Bye, Jacob!" She yelled through the house.

"Bye Bella, bye Jacob!" Johnny and Jolinar yelled together with full mouths.

The whole fight had been over in a matter of seconds. Jacob and I looked at each other for a minute before blinking. I smiled. Ah, the joys of babysitting teenaged twins.

"Ok, first I burn the pancakes this morning, then the kids eat the replacement ones. I seem to be incapable of making you chocolate chip pancakes to eat. But don't worry, I'll make more!"

Jacob seemed so determined to make me the pancakes. I had to laugh.

"What? I promise I won't burn them this time!"

"That's not why I was laughing. It's ok, Jake. Don't worry about it, I don't need pancakes. I'm not that hungry anyway."

"Ok. Well, I am. So I'm going to make pancakes for myself, and you will eat one."

He prepared more pancakes mix, emptying the bag of chocolate chips. He poured some mix into the pan.

I blinked and sighed heavily.

"What?" He turned to me.

"The fire is on high, and you didn't add oil to the pan."

"So?"

"So, unless you want your dinner to burn, you better let me cook it," I said as I walked over to him. I took the pancake mix out of his hands and proceeded to make them correctly.

After dinner, I didn't have time to write the song before going to bed.

I'll just have to write it tomorrow, I sighed.

**Yeah. Didn't know how to end it. Well, I hoped you liked the chapter! Sorry about having Bella with Jacob!! Just wait to see how it turns out, don't hate me!! Please review!!**

_Did you know that Obsessed.with.writing is the best beta ever? Hmm, you didn't know that?? Well lookie, you learn something new everyday!! Gee!_

_x_


	4. Shattering

**I am so sorry that I haven't updated in forever! I was away in Canada, and then I got back and I had loads of stuff to do and then I just never had the time to write… Well, I have no excuse other than my own laziness. I'm sorry.  
Feel free to throw bark at me and put fish in my face. I deserve it.**

**But I also deserve reviews… :D Please? :)**

**And remember, I do not own Twilight or the song 'Summer of Darkness' Demon Hunter.**

The girl was running through the forest. She didn't know why, but she knew she was looking for something.  
What she was trying to find, she had no idea. But she knew it was very important.

The light faded behind her as she ran further into the forest.

All she could see around her were trees. Everything looked the same, the scenery never seemed to change. She felt like she was running in circles. Vaguely, she wondered when it would end. But she kept pumping her feet forward as her eyes carefully and quickly scanned the trees.

She expected to be tired the more she ran, but instead she found herself more awake. She never stopped, never slowed down. She was very eager to get to her target.

Only when she saw that there were no more trees did she stop. The moment she realised she was in a meadow, she fell onto the ground.

The grass and dirt tattooed themselves to the knees of her white dress as she fell. Her arm wrapped around her ribcage as she felt her heart trying to burst out of her chest. It felt as if was being ripped into two, as if a bullet was lodged in the center, as if someone was slashing through her heart violently with a sharp knife.

Her breath caught in her throat and she found it hard to swallow. She felt the panic rise as she realised that she couldn't breathe, but she couldn't get her lungs to work. The pain struck her hard, disabling her every function. The tears that she knew was waiting to cry wouldn't escape her fear-stricken eyes.

Instead of blood, her heart was pumping out sharp tacks, and the tacks were all heading back into her heart with a force strong enough to decapitate a small animal.  
She pressed her arm against her ribs, futilely trying to keep her chest from being ripped open and blown apart.

A loud piercing sound struck her ears, temporarily distracting her from the pain in her heart. When she concentrated on it, she realised it was the sound of her own cries as she tried to breathe.

She was choking on her own air and pain. She knew it had to stop before she died. Then she wondered why she was so desperately trying to stay alive.  


Wouldn't death be better than living like this? If she just dealt with the pain a bit longer, maybe it would be gone forever.

No, she told herself. She knew she had a reason to live, but it just escaped her in that moment.

The pain faded enough for her to stand up shakily. She kept her arm firmly across her chest, desperately trying to keep her heart from ripping her apart from the inside out.

She took a slow step towards the forest, eager to get away from the place but too tired to run.

A soft, musical laughter sounded. She froze in her spot as a face flickered across her mind. But she refused to look at it, she refused to make the sharp throbbing hurt worse.

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

The tune that was all-too-familiar to her now pierced the silence again_. _For the first time, she heard the desperation and agony behind the voice, begging for her to see what it was trying to communicate.

_I'm trying_, she told it. _Give me some help. Write the rest._

A pain-filled scream rang through the dark meadow as images of fire and beauty flickered in her mind. She shook her head and ran, ignoring the golden eyes that peered at her from the trees.

She couldn't let him get to her again.

Bella's eyes flew open and she gasped in a breath. She laid in bed, trying not to remember her dream but unable to get it out of her mind.

The song repeated itself in her mind so clearly that she could practically hear it.  
She ran through it several times, trying to grasp its meaning, but failing.

Bella sighed. She needed more to the song. More than just what seemed to be a chorus. More. Something that would tell her what it was all about and why it had haunted her for so many years.

Her minds' voice rang through her head.

_I'm trying. Give me some help. Write the rest._

_Write the rest, _a new voice told her. This voice was soft and velvety, obviously the voice that sang the song all the time.

Before Bella could protest, words flashed through her head faster than she could comprehend, then slowed and attached to music.

She jumped out of bed. The song was being written.

_Finally_, she thought.

**Heh… I didn't leave you with a cliffie… Yeah…  
Okay, well I hoped you liked this chapter! I liked the dream, it was fun to write.  
And if you haven't already figured what she's dreaming about, don't worry, all will be revealed soon.**

**Review and updates may come faster! I don't know… It all depends on when the author writes the bloody chapters. I'm trying to get her to write more. Lol.  
-x-REViEW-x-**

_Go check out Obsessed.with.writing's stories! They're amazing. And you need to give her thanks, for without her, these stories I write truly would not exist. xD… So give her reviews! :)  
KLY, Ashleigh._


	5. Author's Note I'm sorry!

**Ok, I hate posting ANs as chapters but I just need to explain why I haven't updated.**

**I've been really busy. Like really busy. And my mom recently decided that I was only going to be on the computer for 2 hours everyday…. Which is no time at all, considering all the email I get, and then writing, and just blehhh.**

**So there's that and then there's the fact that I've been experiencing some Writer's Block. (I HATE IT)**

**But, I have been working on a chapter of Finding The Light In The Black, and it's almost done, and it's also the last chapter… Which I totally wasn't planning on; I had no clue when I was ending the story. But yeah… One or two more chapters for that and I'm done!**

**I've been working on Guilt Ridden and Love Lost the most, but I'm at the hard part now, where I have to do a lot of stuff, mostly character development stuff that involves ideas I don't have, before I can get to my main plot. So that's just difficult… Cause I wanna write GOOD chapters and not fillers.**

**And then Weirder Than Fiction is hardly ever updated. I apologise.**

**Ashleigh and I do have some The Truth Behind The Stories chapters waiting….But do you know how hard it is to compile them? DO YOU!? Haha…. Anyway…. I think that's all the stories I have.**

**So yeah…. I want to try to update before November, because November is National Novel Writing Month (aka NaNoWriMo) and I need to focus on that A LOT.**

**But I don't know.**

**So, I'm really really really sorry for my lack of updates and lack of brain (my brain is on auction for Kellan's hat, so that's why) and this state of no updates is going to continue for longer than I would like it to. I am so sorry. Just know that I haven't abandoned my fics. Not at all!**

**Again, sorry. I'll work when I can and as much as I can. Forgive me please and don't hate me!**

**(:**


	6. Writing

**Sorry for the looooooooong lack of updates! I was taking a break from fanfiction for the month of November for NaNoWriMo, and then I got busy and lazy, lol.  
I've had the chapter for after this one written out for awhile. So I should be posting that one soon.**

**Remember, I do not own Twilight OR the amazing Demon Hunter song, Summer of Darkness. Definitely LISTEN TO IT for this chapter and the next!!! **

The words were racing through my brain, and I feared that they would just pour out if I didn't write them down. There was no way I could possibly let myself forget these words. But I also couldn't concentrate here.

I grabbed some paper and a pen and ran out the door. At first, I was going to go sit on the beach and write, but then I decided that La Push was too suffocating. So I decided to go to Forks. I had no idea where I would go, since I couldn't be bothered, but I knew I had to go to Forks. I would sit in the trees and write for all I cared.

Once my mind was made up definitely, I hopped into my truck and pressed 60 all the way to Forks.  
When I reached the rain-covered words, I knew that going there was a good decision on my part. For some odd reason, my truck started driving towards my old house. My dad would be at work, anyway, so I allowed myself to drive there. To be safe, I parked my truck down the road from the house and walked back to it. I looked around for a bit, remembering, but then the words pressed at my mind again and I ran into my backyard. I started to sit on the ground, but my feet pushed me towards the woods, not stopping until I was in the midst of the forest. I had wanted to stop and sit on a fallen tree, but my legs pushed me to the centre of the trees, forcing a painful memory to come to my mind. I closed my eyes and pushed it back; I couldn't deal with that right now.

I kicked aside some wet leaves and sat on the soft dirt, pulling out my paper and pen. The entire song had already been written out in my head, vague words being tossed around in music. I couldn't tell what half of the words were, but I heard their syllables against the music, and the rhyming sequence of some words uncovered the rest. I started writing, half of the time writing down words in my head, the other half of the time writing down random words that went along with the definite words.

_I'll be the one last breath  
before this death  
I'll be the final glimpse of truth  
when there's none left  
And if I shame your face,  
degrade your faith  
I'll be the first to hide behind disgrace _

_Blood-loss  
On account of my failing aim  
Treason  
At the root of my shameful name _

_I found my way to fall  
I never meant to break your heart_

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

_I see the burn of light  
from within my grave  
I feel the pain of contradiction  
despite decay  
And if the shadow of doubt  
will betray this gain  
Then put an end to me now  
while the hope remains_

_Blood-loss  
On account of my failing aim  
Treason  
At the root of my shameful name_

_I found my way to fall  
I never meant to break your heart_

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

_This is not my life  
This is not our life  
Every day I die  
This is not my life _

_This is not my life  
This is not our life  
Every day I die  
This is not my life_

That was definitely all of the song. But… what did it mean?

Of course I had my guesses, and if I looked hard enough to analyze the words and apply them, I would know, but I was too tired to figure it out tonight. Besides, I had written the words- that was all I needed to do for now.

I sighed and stood up, looking around the woods once more before returning to my truck and driving back to my house.

**Don't hate me for the short update, or the fact that it had been awhile. Just review and make 'Summer of Darkness' your new favourite song. xD**

_Thanks to my beta, Obsessedwithwriting, whose name has periods between each word, and just bought a whole slew of amazing books plus the Twilight soundtrack. Your thoughts I can't decode. (__**Notes from Beta- I also almost got a Twilight poster but stupid HMV was out of stock, it had Kellan and Jackson on too :( but you know, now go review now)**_


	7. Knowing

**Two chapters in one day!? I hope it makes up for my long lack of updates. I know it doesn't, but I'm trying!!! xD**

**Listen to 'Summer of Darkness' by Demon Hunter if you haven't already (look it up on youtube or playlist dotcom) and remember I don't own it or Twilight! Review!**

When I woke up the next morning, I pulled the piece of paper with the song written on it out from under my bed. I looked at the lyrics with sleep-filled eyes and heaved a sigh. Too tired to think right now.

I shuffled along to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and got dressed. I looked at the clock as I threw my shoes on. 11:24. I had slept late, wow. Jacob wouldn't be home for a few hours. He worked as a car mechanic, a job that he loved and a job that had great demand. It worked out very well.

Once I put my shoes on, I went out to get the mail. Normally we don't get anything good, unless Renee of Charlie decide to send me a letter. Of course there was really no reason for them to do that, since Charlie lived close enough to visit, and Renee preferred email.

A plain, dainty envelope with no return address caught my eye. It had my name on it. Confused, I ripped it open. A few pieces of paper fell out, written in a fancy script and each page was numbered. I smiled slightly, amused but still bewildered. After I read the first few sentences, though, I knew who the letter was from and I wondered how long she had waited to send it.

_**Bella,**_

_**You've finally remembered. Finally written the song.**_

_**Don't be so shocked, I see the future, remember? I knew this was coming.**_

_**Also, the song has already been written.  
I don't quite know how to explain it.**_

_**See, Edward wrote the song after he left you. Bella, he never stopped loving you, and I hate that he lied to you. He obviously didn't know how much it would break you. But I do know that he would be happy that you moved on, that is what he wanted. He felt that he wasn't good for you, so he left.**_

_**I was not happy with his decision at all, Bella. I knew it would hurt you, and it broke my heart not to be able to see my sister ever again.  
I thought of you as a sister, Bella. I know you weren't into shopping or any of that, but that's who you were. And we loved you for it.**_

_**Please understand, I'm not trying to make you feel sad. I just needed to explain to you why he really left, even though it makes no difference now.**_

_**Anyway, back to the song…  
For a long time, he was dead, doing nothing but wallowing. Barely existing.**_

_**When he finally got it together enough, it was because he wanted to write a note to tell you how much he regretted leaving and how much he loved you. He planned to send it at a later time, after you moved on, of course.  
But the note turned into a song; a beautiful, heartbreaking song.**_

_**One time, I snuck into his room and hid under his bed with my laptop and recorded him singing it.  
Later on, I added music and altered parts of his voice to fit the tune and the rock-style it encouraged.**_

_**When I finished that, Bella, I made it into a CD. Then, every night, I snuck into your room and played the song for you.  
Part of me wished that you would wake up, so I could see you and tell you everything.  
But the other part of me knew that this song needed to be planted into your subconscious.**_

_**Something I didn't mention yet, this was after your cliff-diving experience.**_

_**You scared me with that, Bella. I saw you jump, and then your future disappeared. I raced to Forks, knowing he would hate me if he knew, but I had to make sure you were alive.**_

_**Carlisle called me and convinced me to keep a low profile until I found out what had happened.**_

_**Suddenly, I saw you cooking dinner for Charlie. He looked sad, but you were alive. It confused me for a minute, especially when your future disappeared again.  
I followed your scent all the way to the La Push line, where I sat for a long time before I realised that the only possible solution was that I couldn't see the werewolves. **_

_**It explained a lot. When you were involved with them, your future disappeared, too. But when you decided to make Charlie's favourite dinner, your future reappeared.**_

_**So I concluded that a werewolf must have been with you, or helped you out of the water after the cliff-diving experience.**_

_**I quickly called home to tell them that you were alive, but that's when I learned that it was too late.**_

_**There's no nice way to say this, Bella, or I would. Rosalie told Edward about my vision, and he went off to Italy.**_

_**I am so sorry, Bella. I followed him there to try to stop it, but I was too late.**_

_**I hate myself for it, I let him die. And I know that if I had been there sooner, you two would have gotten back together. There was nothing else that I'd rather see.  
But I was too late. I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, because if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't forgive me. I don't know if I have forgiven myself.**_

_**But that's when I decided that you needed to hear the song, even though you were choosing Jacob at that time.**_

_**You weren't sure about your path then, Bella, but your future disappeared way too often.**_

_**Edward finally got what he wanted, you moved on.**_

_**Sometimes I console myself by thinking that if he had known you were alive but moved on, he would have made the same decision. But I honestly don't know for sure. After all, it wasn't like he made plans for such an event, so I couldn't see it at all. But I have developed a great instinct over the years, and I knew that he could only live without you for so long. **_

_**I don't know what else I can say to reassure you that he did love you, but convince you that you are on the correct path. Just know that I love you. We all do.**_

_**Don't be too sad, Bella, please. He'd never want that.**_

_**I hope this letter helped. I apologise again.**_

_**Love,  
Alice**_

_**P.S. I know the lyrics can be confusing at times, so I took advantage of my Interpretive Literature degree and deciphered the song for you. (And I may not be a mind reader, but living with someone for over a century makes it easy to get into their head).**_

_**So, I hope this helps you to understand the song and understand how much he really cared for you, Bella.**_

_**xoxo**_

_**P.P.S. Please throw out that hideous sweater Charlie got you for Christmas. It just doesn't work and it pains me that something so atrocious exists!**_

_I'll be the one last breath  
before this death  
__**(I suppose this has many metaphorical meanings, but I'm taking it to mean that the death of you would be the death of him and vice versa. And yes, he saw the end of your happiness as your death.)**__  
I'll be the final glimpse of truth  
when there's none left  
__**(I realise that this may not make much sense, but he always wanted you to know that One Solid Truth would always remain: His love for you.)**__  
And if I shame your face,  
degrade your faith  
I'll be the first to hide behind disgrace  
__**(Of course, he felt horrible for loving you, because he knew it wasn't the wisest option. He felt that he was hurting you by making you love him. I told him it was crazy, but it never changed how he felt. He didn't want you to love a monster, especially since you thought he wasn't one.)  
**__Blood-loss  
On account of my failing aim  
__**(I think this is sort of obvious. Your 18th birthday, when Jasper lost control, and Edward threw himself on you to save you. He always saw it as his fault. That's also when all of this started, for which I truly apologise.)**__  
Treason  
At the root of my shameful name  
__**(Again, he thought lowly of himself because you loved him. He felt that you were betraying your humanity and all that life had to offer you because you loved an immortal, soulless demon. I roll my eyes at that, by the way, but that's how he felt.)**_

_I found my way to fall  
I never meant to break your heart  
__**(That should really be self-explanatory, Bella. Believe me, he never meant to break your heart, and for that he did fall.)**_

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
__**(He hated himself for being a vampire, and he hated that he always hurt you no matter how much he tried not to.)**__  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you.  
__**(This is why he started to write the song: Just to let you know that he hated himself for hurting you, and that he would always love you. Despite the depression and self-hatred, I hope these words will comfort you, even though you've already moved on.)**_

_I see the burn of light  
from within my grave  
__**(I think he saw his disappearance as the one way to bring you light again.)**__  
I feel the pain of contradiction  
despite decay  
__**(Somehow, I think he knew subconsciously that you weren't doing too well without him. If only more time had been given, maybe he would have realised that his subconscious was right eventually, and gone back to you. I'm sorry that it never happened.)**__  
And if the shadow of doubt  
will betray this gain  
Then put an end to me now  
while the hope remains  
__**(He doubted so much. Doubted that you should love him, doubted that he should love you. He hated himself for that, too, because despite his doubt he knew he never wanted to lose you. He'd rather die first.)**_

_Blood-loss  
On account of my failing aim  
Treason  
At the root of my shameful name_

_I found my way to fall  
I never meant to break your heart_

_Breathing in this pain  
(Rejecting all I am)  
I hear you cry again  
(Is this my final stand?)  
Before I go  
(Before I lose it all)  
You should know  
I hate myself for hurting you._

_This is not my life  
This is not our life  
Every day I die  
This is not my life  
__**(I think this was his way of apologising for the living hell me turned your life into. That was the whole point of the song, to apologise and to let you know that he would always love you.)**_

_This is not my life  
This is not our life  
Every day I die  
This is not my life_

After I read Alice's letter, I felt tears coming to my eyes, even though I was still shocked.

He had always loved me.

I suppose a part of me always knew it, but to know for sure now? It was mind-blowing.

Maybe moving on had been the wrong choice. It had only been a year, after all. Well, almost two, but still… I had never expected to get over it at all, but to be over him so quickly?

No, I wasn't over him. I never would be. Just because I loved someone else didn't mean that I stopped loving him. I know I'll always love him.

I thought back to when it all began…

When his voice whispered "Be happy" to me, it surprised me. But it was as if I could not react to his wishes like I know I would have, my mind was already made up. My head turned towards Jacob's bare shoulder and I let my face lay against his skin softly.

I remember hearing his sharp intake of breath and trying not to giggle. I twisted my head more to look up at him and doing so made my lips brush his shoulder gently.

Then, before I could see his face, his lips were on mine. Hesitant at first, but then moving urgently and roughly. He knotted his fingers into my hair, drawing me closer to him.

His kiss was so unlike Edward's, so carefree and desperate. Pretty soon, we both got breathless.

"Bella," he whispered huskily and I could see the hunger and love in his eyes. I could also see that he was wondering, surprised, not sure why I let him do that or if it was okay. I smiled at him and his lips caught mine again, this time slowly and gently. His lips lingered on mine for several seconds as he pulled away extremely slowly.

He grabbed the sides of my face gently and stared at me in the eyes.

"I love you," he said.

"I know," was my reply, a reply that barely had time to be made before he was kissing me again.

After that night, Jacob and I just became… together. We never really talked about it, didn't do much normal teenager dating. We hung out like always, plus a few kisses, and eventually got married.

I had never questioned whether or not I had made the right decision.

Sure, I had still loved Edward. But I loved Jacob too. And Edward left a hole in my heart that only Jacob was able to mend. It was still there, but he kept me from thinking about it, kept me from falling apart.

And I had always thought that Edward had told the truth, that he didn't love me anymore.

But now that I knew that information was false, I was confused. Alice said why he left, to save me, but I still didn't understand it. Surely we could have worked something out if he had only stayed?

Suddenly, I felt a flash of anger towards Edward for the first time in my life. If he had stayed, none of this would have ever happened. I would be with him, never knowing the pain of being left and unloved, and he wouldn't be dead.

Oh, crap. Dead. Why had I ever gone cliffdiving? It was my fault he was dead. But how could I have known? He said he didn't love me. It shouldn't feel like my fault. Logically, it isn't. But emotionally, that's another story.

Maybe Alice was right. Maybe he would have been glad that I moved on.

But what if he wouldn't have been? Would he have come back? Would I be living my life with him? Or would it still be the same, just with him alive? Which option did I like more?

Of course, if I had the choice, I would go back to my 18th birthday and keep myself from getting that stupid papercut. Then Edward would have never left, he never would have wanted to, and all would be well.

But I couldn't stop feeling like, even if I hadn't gotten that papercut, he still would have found some excuse to leave and try to make me safe. So it would be the same either way. Which means I shouldn't be second-guessing everything right now. Just because I had new information didn't mean that things could change. I obviously was destined to be with Jacob. No matter what, Edward would have left. And with Edward gone, I would become friends with Jacob and then eventually become more.

There was no point in denying it, especially with Edward gone. If he was alive, I'd be having some serious trouble right now.

Not that I was glad that he was dead. Of course not! I could never be glad about that.

But there was nothing I could do to change it, either. Things were the way they were, and even if circumstances had been different back then, it would still be what it is now, so I'd just have to accept it and move on.

It had gotten so easy, not thinking about him. Now I'd probably have to work at it again, especially knowing that he had always loved me. But it was better for me to know.

I only wished I could go over this song with him, really get inside his head. Though I was sure that Alice's interpretations were spot-on. Still, it'd be nice to sit with him and discuss it, especially the self-deprecating parts. I had never liked when he thought of himself as anything less than perfect.

Now there was nothing else I could do except resume my life, knowing this is how it would have turned out no matter what. And I was happy this way. Jacob was my sun. Everything that I needed right when I needed it most. My brightness in the midst of darkness. I'd found my light in the black, and I wasn't going to let it go.

Never.

**I totally love the ending. And yes, it is the literal ending! Wow, I haven't finished a story in so long.  
I'm hoping that the lyrics interpretations will make sense to you all. If not, well then read the lyrics and make your own bloody interpretations, lol.  
Please review. And listen to 'Summer of Darkness'!**

_Thanks to my amazing beta, Obsessedwithwriting, who has updated more than I have, thus inspiring me to update. __**Beta's note (This is going to be constant from me now lol) I have tears in my eyes, fantastic, now go review or I'll hit you with my big pile of books! Or chase you with a stick. I'm not sure yet.**_


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